I remember pain – sharp and icy. Like a snake it slithered along the brittle bones of my back, slowly applying pressure, numbing my thoughts. Continuing to seek out my insecurities, making me its victim. Its one and only focus.
Emotionally stripping me of my esteem, tearing away what bit of hope I had left. Making me forget, that the small corner I held myself hostage in was part of a house. A corner that connected me to a house, that I could confidently call my home. To be proud to call MINE.
A home where, not everything was perfect, but I knew love existed.
As I hid in that corner, the fan blowing tears further down my cheeks and my mascara making its way into my clouded eyes, I stopped myself from remembering. When I was in this negative mind frame, I felt that I could not escape the hell I was living.
I forced myself to forget the way my little brother smiled, but I couldn’t help but smile back.
I told myself my parents would be better off without me. No more private school tuition. No more drama. And one less burden to stress over.
And for the kids at school, I was selfish. I remember thinking, I wonder if they will regret how they hurt me, when I am gone? I was in no mood for finding the window, where my door had been closed.
There was no winning. I wanted OUT! So I grabbed the rope that I had hidden away and I attempted to take my life.
Tears flowed like rivers that night. My little brother saved my life, when he walked in on me at just the right time.
Strangely enough, I felt embarrassed as I struggled to calm my little brother. After all, he was my best friend… my little sunshine!
As breathing grew faster, stronger, I finally sat down with pen and paper. Things began to slow down as a feeling that I had locked up like a caged bird began to fly out as words on the paper.
When I returned to school, it was hard to focus. I was reminded of that night by the marks that I had to cover with makeup. I cried from day til night. And even with an awesome support group and healthy advice, I blamed myself every time I saw the repercussions of what I had done.
As time passed, I found my ultimate coping mechanism. Trust me – it is not easy! Pencil and paper became my new best friend. I was writing my life story and I am determined not to leave any pages blank.
The story of my life will be finished, despite the troubles and feelings I still face today.
As a teen, I still deal with high school drama, demanding parents, and challenging curriculum. But I know now that I no longer have to feel like a caged bird and hold my feelings inside. There will always be someone willing to LISTEN!
And I encourage each and every one of you to find the strength within and speak up. We are here to HELP!
I, Madeline Muth, am faithfully continuing to write my life story and I am determined to finish it despite whatever comes my way.
I thank all of you here today for your continued support of the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention and your help in raising awareness of depression and the mental illnesses that can lead to suicide.
I would just like to add, when my dad and I volunteered, I was still feeling those thoughts even after this had happened. But now that I feel like I can talk about it, I am not afraid of the subject anymore.
You just need to speak out because there will always be someone willing to listen!