Maybe it is the jet lag… maybe it is coming home to no one… maybe it is just event let-down… but life after the Camino has been dreary!
I go to asleep at 10pm or 11pm and awake at 4am. I reluctantly unpacked my suitcase. The souvenirs that I spent over two days scouring Santiago for the perfect gift still sit in the pile all individually wrapped with no desire to find their new home. The list of to-dos grow – thank you to all the donors, organizing the photos, presentation slides to create for the Palm Springs gig, planning the future… all become something I will get to later! It is as if I have lost the hop in my step!
I actually googled – life after the Camino. I came across this description of the Camino and found such beauty in the explanation – “The Camino provided me with a life-changing journey and I gained unforgettable realizations and confidence from the experience. The same Camino I cursed day after day for the physical struggles it caused, I missed!”
And then it hit me! This loss was a mini-version of losing Madeline all over again.
I prepared to be a mother by talking to other moms, reading books, documenting monumental moments. I talked to other Camino walkers, I read books, I documented what to see and do. I did the same for the Camino.
I planned for our life as a family, where we would live, where she would go to school. I planned the route we would take, the hotels we would stay in. I did the same for the Camino.
I endured the woes of motherhood, the messes, the snotty noses, the harsh words, the emotional rollercoaster and yet in the end I miss the little hugs, I miss the arguments, I miss her! I endured the blisters of the Camino, the sunburned hands and back of my knees, the aches and pains in the morning that transformed me into a 90 year old version of me. And I miss the Camino!
You expect to the blues when you lose a child but this was unexpected.
I wish someone had forewarned me that this loss might arise upon returning home.
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