As I begun my research on the Camino, I kept finding words of wisdom about the importance of good shoes, quality socks, and physical training, but so little on the emotional training one might need. I will be leaving in five (5) days and the hustle and bustle of the last few weeks have made me more on edge than usual. At first, I thought this must be the ‘you-must-work-two-times-as-hard-before-you-leave-on-a-trip-and-three-times-as-hard-when-you-return’ feeling, but yet that still did not describe this overwhelming angst I felt.
I tried to self-coach myself and get to the bottom of this distress. I needed to find the thought that was overwhelming me.
Coach Gigi: What are you thinking?
Me: I am going on an adventure! I am challenging myself!
Coach Gigi: What do you feel when you think those thoughts?
Me: Excited… a little nervous, but not distress.
Coach Gigi: Let’s try this…distress can be caused by fear… What do you fear on this journey? What is the worst that could happen?
At that moment, it hit me – oh my goodness. I was afraid of doing this all alone. I feared that Madeline would not be there. I realized that I have spent the last two years thinking about how magical and spiritual that the Camino is that I had come to expect her to be there in a more demonstrative way then I usually see and feel her. I was indirectly demanding to see her and receive the gifts that had become scarce over the last year. Basically, the bubbling distress I felt was my mind realizing all the expectations I had placed on this journey. I had written a manual of expectations for the supernatural and ultimately was setting myself up for emotional turmoil and huge disappointment because one cannot control how others behave and I think that includes celestial beings.
Coach Gigi: How do you want to handle it, if she does not show up?
Me: Let me get back to you…
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